aaaaah...wasn't able to get anything up! Totally missed the deadline...sorry
Anj...tho I think I'm gonna try and write something about the topic all the
same. ^^
Cursed med reports! Turns out I wasn't able to write anything else that those,
or go online even remotely often... The
hospital I'm in this June/July is so very HECTIC!
oh well...next time. I can't wait to read the entries. ^^
Oh my God...I totally missed this whole thing. I'm sorry guys. I haven't
had much time to be online lately. Maybe I'll be able to join the next contest.
CLAMPchic: it's a very simple poem, and gracefully done, giving it power. The
theme of reality existing because we will it, or because another wills it is
expressed in elliptical lines, cutting away the explanation to give the full
impact of the image and the feeling that goes with. The last two lines can imply
reunion in the darkness, where reality exists around us whether we will it or
not; or it can imply death and subsequent salvation after negating reality by
one self (an interpretation I don't particularly like as an atheist, but still
beautifully done) In short, this poem is simple and deep and carries multiple
meanings; a verbal origami unrestricted by form or rhyme.
Now, here're two of mine: hope all of you like (and review) them!
Friends
A warm and rippling sun
A second lost, an hour won
The taut horizon's line
And after all... is all not fine?
Companionship and laughs
A teasing smile, a joking wrath
A friendly group combines
And after all... is all not fine?
An unimportant past
And futures gone; present at last
Our troubles left behind
And after all... is all not fine?
Boite a musique (music-box in french)
An ancient music-box with tinkling melody
Winds up again and plays, and ever circles round
It never stops or breaks, remains forever sweet
Forever sad: the figures dance on well-worn sound
The dolls repeat their steps upon repeating chimes
Beneath them turn and tick inexorable gears
They are forever fixed, the same till ends their time
And cycle still: they vanish, but to reappear
Quote by AnjhurinHum just a question :
who do we send the poem to ? Because mine is all ready, and it's hot in my
hands, so i'll gladly pass it on
Ohoh giles is joining in... can't wait to read his entry... and everyone else's
!
You can send the poem to either inochikyo or I, Anjhurin;
it doesn't matter too much, since we'll end up collaborating on the entries and
such, anyway. And I'm quite excited for reading peoples' entries, as well.
Well, I've got a new poem for you all; something I wrote awhile ago but found
within the last few weeks. It's very simplistic, but that's one of the things I
find appealing about it.
Gone
If I close my eyes,
Will I disappear?
If I hide away,
Will you forget?
Darkness covers
And I am saved...
If you've got comments you can post either here in the guestbook or in my
thread: [Poem]
Gone. Thanks in advance for any comments any of you may have
Hum just a question : who do we send the poem to ? Because mine is all ready,
and it's hot in my hands, so i'll gladly pass it on
Ohoh giles is joining in... can't wait to read his entry... and everyone else's
!
Hey everyone! ^^
I wanna join the contest! ^^ Haha...if I have time to write things other than
medical reports... >< I might...
Good idea on the poem+wall thing...
Sorry,I'm more than just a little behind in the goings-on here (and anywhere
online, for that matter) as of late... when's the deadline for submissions, if
it's set already? ^^
Good on the poems in the GB that I've read...tho I don't have time to critique
each one (very sorry, CLAMPchic! ^^)...
Anyways, gotta run now...good day to all 'ya! ^^
@tobiast88: maybe it's just a habit I picked up from rap music, but I've always
recommended the use of punchlines....or more accurately wit in any form of
poetry that is worked with. It's not absolutely required and most poems do just
fine without it, but from my perspective throwing in that wit can add a brutally
strong punch to what you write. from what i've seen, if used correctly and
relevantly, wit can attract a person's attention like magnets to steel.
but yea, that's my two cents. as for the topic matter, I'm a rather open-minded
dude so it doesn't matter to me. what you write is your freedom to
decide.
as for me, I've been away developing my lyrical style. but for now, here's an
incomplete song that I have going. only about 14 lines so far, the finished work
should be a good 60 or so hopefully.
Tools Of The Trade
Silent Knight, there's a man beyond the name
My pen's a weapon sharper than any blade
Limited only by my brain and its power to create
Mold, manipulate and shape what I say
Verbal sage on the mic speaking raps
My thoughts expand underneath this thinking cap
The pad is a mirror that reflects the inner me lyrically
I speak in metaphors and similes, imagery is the air I breathe
The melody conducts my thoughts like a symphony
My lyrics weave in and out like tapestry to fit the beat
Vividly describing what I see
Depicting the joys and hardships of this life
My words paint pictures like an artist when I rhyme
My creative spark can illuminate the darkness of the night
Okay... Deep breath.
I'm posting a very personal poem about a guy in my class, who I have a crush on;
and I'm a guy too, and he has a girlfriend. Hence my poem. If you're against
homosexuality, don't read, and don't flame me coz I love this guy and it's not
going to change any time soon.
So here goes.
To Vincent
That day you came to class a minute late
You tamed the teacherwith embarrassed charm
The waters rushed and never will abate
Those eyes full of cinnamon warmth
Why must I watch you, wistful, from afar?
Admire Apollo and receive no light?
Why must I fight you and myself, why war
When love's a feeling that's right?
And how I wish that we could be alone!
I wish the shirt and hanging jeans would fall
Revealing muscles tight - and how I'd moan
As kisses would pin me against the hard wall!
You'd take me in your strong, protective arms
Against the curving ridges of your chest
The rasp of two-day stubble and your warmth
The scent of your body as we'd go to rest
A whispered word into a curl of ear
The taste of lips, a salty kiss, a sun
That's marred by mists of burning lust, that sears
Carnal chimera, two bodies as one
I wish, I wish, I hope, I dream... In vain
But still I do, for you are gravity
That pulls me closer to - perhaps more pain
Or maybe your unending beauty
-------------------------
The Two Songs of My Heart
Two songs beat at my heart,
One light,
One dark.
The conflicting natures,
The conspiring feelings,
Hate, deceit.
Love, honesty.
The two hearts,
that beat away,
to be seen and heard,
destroying at each other,
until one remains.
This battle,
Destroying that,
Which makes me human,
I can feel,
The warmth leaving,
My limbs,
Soon to leave my heart.
No matter which wins,
I lose.
No matter which side I want,
I can never be certain.
A single moment,
To be me,
Then change to a me,
That isn't me.
Perhaps,
There are two minds,
Two hearts,
That inhabit this one shell,
While I am caught,
In a war of attrition,
Between,
.
.
.
The two songs of my heart.
*sing-songy voice* Commentary time again! I'm soooo sorry it took me so long to
get all this done! I feel bad; I really should've gotten this stuff up
sooner...bad me, bad me! I mean, how sad is it that I'm just getting in the
commenting on poems that were posted up to 18 weeks back? I'm sorry to all the
authors...senior year is so hard! I didn't ever expect that school'd keep me
this behind in all my other stuff, too...anyway, enough of my pointless
babbling, and on to the commentary! ^_^
Warning: what I did with these poems is print them off and go through and make
whatever random notes, so the commentary itself may not always fit
smoothly...sorry ^_^;
>> Kowalsky - Roots or the
lightseeker was an interesting piece...a simplistic style, vague details,
but still served to make a point. And I loved the phrase "memory of a
shadow"...just something about it that I really loved ^_^
>> TomoyoNoBaka - I wanted to say that it's not necessarily a good idea to
completely capitalize a title; it almost takes something away from the
piece...but that might be just my opinion. Was Lucretia written as a sort of spin off from Shakespeare's The Rape of Lucrece, or another earlier
version of the story? I know the last line ("Be still...you are dead")
is a direct quote - hence the quotation marks - and it sounds like it was
written about the same story, from her point of view. Not sure what else to
say...
>> Moati-san - I'm going to mention your two poems, but since neither has
a title, I'll cut it down to the first few words when I mention it. First of
all, in "that face" I thin kyou meant to say "Eden," not
edon, because Eden is the paradise. You address each aspect that was mentioned
in the first line, but the order changes; you might want to align them in the
future to add a bit more structure to the poem. The line "i told my heart
long ago not to fall in love again, but it has not listened" shares the
idea of a once-broken heart loving again, unsure about actually taking the
chance but then being drawn into it without a choice. "You'll curse the
day" made a few different interesting points. "at least i'll know the
truth" and "i haven't the strength to turn away" are probably two
line that help the reader connect with you because people have often felt that
way.
>> beethoven - Good Bye to All Your
evils had a major tone shift in it, going from darker to lighter advice;
you managed it, but it was a little harder to follow. I agree with the last
line, though: "live your life with all the love you can muster." Sound
advice, I think; if a person lives life without love, then it's more of an empty
existence than really living.
>> tobiast88 - I loved the repetition of dawn that you used in Childhood, and the steady rhyming scheme was a
good touch. In the second chorus-like part, the personalization of "my
dawn" instead of "the dawn" helps draw more feeling and a
connection to the reader. I also liked the idea of how the truth may hurt, but
it's still what's real ("when that life cuts"). In your second to last
stanza, "The circle breaks...what I should do," I like the way you
address the first stanza ("I don't know what I should do"). Overall,
as you can guess, I liked it. You chose individual words very well as each fit
and helped portray the tone of the poem, and establish a connection with the
reader. When I read through Garden, I
think of the world itself; I'm not sure if it's what you intended, but that's
the mental picture I got. The repetition in the beginning and endings of the
stanzas was a nice touch.
>> Daikuro - I wasn't sure what to think when I first read through your
untitled poem (except that I love poems that are dedicated to certain people); I
don't know what to call it, but I'll go ahead and use Little Angel as the title, 'cause I don't want to have to type
out the whole first line like you normally would for an untitled poem. I must
say that I really loved the lines "Dreams have wings / Hopes can
soar"; artistically worded, in my opinion. And then the analogy of what
happens to those dreams when one matures (the laws of gravity part) was an
interesting analogy. Instead of saying they wasted away or something like that,
they were pulled down...I like it. Another line I liked a lot was "Without
a dream, / Without my wings"; I'm not sure why I liked them so much, but
there was just something about them that struck me...not sure how to explain.
Your ending line had a sweet sense of sadness that seems to link man and the
angel, nicely done.
>> Alistair - The flowin' wind was
very...gentle, I suppose is one way to say it. Softer image and message, kind of
relaxing in and of itself. There were two line parts that caught my attention:
"Stir in the wind, / Of old dreams" and the ending, "A painted
fantasy..." As I said, reading through this made me relax a bit, and
there's almost a sense of tranquility there. One thing I would say is that you
don't need some kind of punctuation at the end of every line, because commas
sometimes interrupt the flow of the poem; caesuras are often naturally
recognized, which gets rid of that need. About the last line...I have this thing
about last lines: a sense of finality is best, but if a wandering line can be
written just right, then it works. Your "A painted fantasy..." was a
mix between these two elements; wandering because it sort of leaves you
imagination to go on, and final because it closes it off gently.
>> ColdFire01 - I really liked the structure of Without you. It appears almost in a song format, the way that
some lines repeat in a chorus-like style. And the contrasts within the poem that
help reveal the true feeling are nicely done. One example are the lines
"How it still hurts / To be left behind" in the second stanza; not
only do they contradict the image painted by the first stanza, but I think it's
something that everyone can relate to in one way or another. And the last stanza
was a beautiful contrast! I thought it was as though someone's trying to
convince themselves that everything's okay before breaking down and telling the
truth. Disillusion is a powerful topic in poetry, and I think Without you is a good example of that.
>> Shoku - In all four of your poems (You
Took My Life Away, Thinking of
You, Step By Step, and Holding On), you establish a distinctive
style, a consistent structure or frame (your Winter Thoughts entry was the same
way). The prominent first line, follow-up stanzas, differeing last stanzas, and
simplistic last lines...I don't know many others that follow that pattern so
faithfully. That's not a bad thing at all, because each person has their own
preferences in how to write, but you might want to consider varying it up a
little sometimes. Each poem seemed purposeful in its message, written for a
particular reason or event. Other than that, I'm not sure what to say...so I
guess I'll leave it at that.
I'd like to take this opportunity to say three things: one, try to give your
poems a title! It's a lot easier to reference when there's a definite name; with
a lot of published untitled poetry (like Emily Dickinson's works) the first line
becomes the title. So feel free to do that, or pick out a repetitive or
important phrase within the poem...it just makes it easier to comment on.
Two, I know it's been said before but I'm saying it again: reviewing or
commenting on other's pieces is a good thing to do! Even if it's just to let
them know what you liked or didn't like...it always helps to know what you're
doing that's good and what needs some work still. If we don't help each other,
how are we supposed to grow as poets? If you feel silly or don't know what to
say...that's okay! Heck, I'm no professional or anything, and there are plenty
of people in this group that write a whole lot better than I do, but I still
comment. So please...comment on other people's stuff!
Okay, lecture fragment is over; the third thing I wanted to mention is that
inochikyo and I are planning another contest, so be sure to give us your ideas
in the page's guestbook or in a PM (I'm on more frequently than she is, but you
can send it to either of us).
I just wrote this today. Its been a while since I've done anything new. I hope
you all like it.
~Untitled~
She watches,
As her old friends walk by
In silence
Without giving her
A second thought.
She waves,
But they don't see her.
She speaks a greeting,
But they don't hear her.
They pass her by
Once more.
At home,
She has no messages,
Or emails,
From people
Wanting to say hello,
Or invite her
For a movie,
Or just to hang out,
Because that's what friends do.
No one comes to her door
For a greeting,
Or a quick chat,
Or to stop in for tea.
She doesn't speak,
For she has no one
To speak to.
She makes her dinner
For one,
And eats in silence,
While she watches a movie
She's already seen
A hundred times.
She showers,
And climbs into her empty bed,
And dreams of a life
Where she's wanted.
A pray from the cold air that surrounds me
as stiff as a lonely flower can be
alone, abandoned with scars covering its roots
mourning, griefing its youth.
chanting its story of the life it had to bear
as you come to understand - what others didn't care
composing between the lines of fate
the gentle melody of death
every cascading night
when the moon shines it's bright light
welcomes the wondering souls
cliches won't defend
the wrong beauty humans demand
selfish, shallow, worthless.
Who are you ?
What do you seek ?
Where do you come from and who are your fathers ?
I am but the memory of a shadow, who once was
My parents are part of the Nature and my ancestors the origine of Love
I am but a truthseeker in a humanity, perverted against its own will
I am no better, I am not more worthy than my peers, but I have the will to
find the Light
Sooo... er, what do you think ? If there are mistakes, be kind with me
because I am used to write my poems in french. Please tell me and be honest,
don't be toooooo horrible with my work !
french u say?That's interesting
merged: 03-24-2006 ~ 08:36am
i hope it is ok that i try 2 join k?
Who are you ?
What do you seek ?
Where do you come from and who are your fathers ?
I am but the memory of a shadow, who once was
My parents are part of Nature and my ancestors the origine of Love
I am but a truthseeker in a humanity, perverted against its own will
I am no better, I am not worthier than my peers, but I have the will to
find the Light
Sooo... er, what do you think ? If there are mistakes, be kind with me
because I am used to write my poems in french. Please tell me and be honest,
don't be toooooo horrible with my work !
Hello ok i was just wondering if there is something in a language that rhymes
with the english doorknob that means something that isn't food
If any one can help i thank you
Hi i am new,
i'm writting songs for about 5 years now, but time doesn't metter. i have a
Power Metal Band and we compose the songs as well.
here's one it's called LUCRETIA.
Inside your kingdom walls
at the dark ally near the blacksmiths' bin
moonlights' single glint above, tolls
reflection of a deadly sin
A throne won't bring you my love
nor my virginity you lust for
the lady screams on side walk curve
ancient pride of kings dreadful lore
How insufferable curt yard looks
at my blooded dress
none will know the terrible cause
of my mourning fuss
dear father, dear husband hear my final cry
night of wolves a curse on me
sun rays won't shine my shadowed sky
none can save me, none can heal my wounded gist
please bound yourself in oath, to kill Rome's sinner beast
Shameful deed and stubborn fact
a man so brutal and lewd
desecrated my body with your wrath
doomed i to be un sewed
"Be still, Lucretia! I am Sextus Tarquinius.My sword is in my hand.Utter a
sound, and you are dead!"
darnit!
...I mean, hello everyone! ^^
aaaaah...wasn't able to get anything up! Totally missed the deadline...sorry Anj...tho I think I'm gonna try and write something about the topic all the same. ^^
The
hospital I'm in this June/July is so very HECTIC!
Cursed med reports! Turns out I wasn't able to write anything else that those, or go online even remotely often...
oh well...next time. I can't wait to read the entries. ^^
Oh my God...I totally missed this whole thing. I'm sorry guys.
I haven't
had much time to be online lately. Maybe I'll be able to join the next contest.
CLAMPchic: it's a very simple poem, and gracefully done, giving it power. The theme of reality existing because we will it, or because another wills it is expressed in elliptical lines, cutting away the explanation to give the full impact of the image and the feeling that goes with. The last two lines can imply reunion in the darkness, where reality exists around us whether we will it or not; or it can imply death and subsequent salvation after negating reality by one self (an interpretation I don't particularly like as an atheist, but still beautifully done) In short, this poem is simple and deep and carries multiple meanings; a verbal origami unrestricted by form or rhyme.
Now, here're two of mine: hope all of you like (and review) them!
Friends
A warm and rippling sun
A second lost, an hour won
The taut horizon's line
And after all... is all not fine?
Companionship and laughs
A teasing smile, a joking wrath
A friendly group combines
And after all... is all not fine?
An unimportant past
And futures gone; present at last
Our troubles left behind
And after all... is all not fine?
Boite a musique (music-box in french)
An ancient music-box with tinkling melody
Winds up again and plays, and ever circles round
It never stops or breaks, remains forever sweet
Forever sad: the figures dance on well-worn sound
The dolls repeat their steps upon repeating chimes
Beneath them turn and tick inexorable gears
They are forever fixed, the same till ends their time
And cycle still: they vanish, but to reappear
You can send the poem to either inochikyo or I, Anjhurin; it doesn't matter too much, since we'll end up collaborating on the entries and such, anyway. And I'm quite excited for reading peoples' entries, as well.
Well, I've got a new poem for you all; something I wrote awhile ago but found within the last few weeks. It's very simplistic, but that's one of the things I find appealing about it.
Gone
If I close my eyes,
Will I disappear?
If I hide away,
Will you forget?
Darkness covers
And I am saved...
If you've got comments you can post either here in the guestbook or in my thread: [Poem] Gone. Thanks in advance for any comments any of you may have
Keep writing, and good luck to all contestants!
Hum just a question : who do we send the poem to ? Because mine is all ready, and it's hot in my hands, so i'll gladly pass it on
Ohoh giles is joining in... can't wait to read his entry... and everyone else's !
Hey everyone! ^^
I wanna join the contest! ^^ Haha...if I have time to write things other than medical reports... >< I might...
Good idea on the poem+wall thing...
Sorry,I'm more than just a little behind in the goings-on here (and anywhere online, for that matter) as of late... when's the deadline for submissions, if it's set already? ^^
Good on the poems in the GB that I've read...tho I don't have time to critique each one (very sorry, CLAMPchic! ^^)...
Anyways, gotta run now...good day to all 'ya! ^^
sorry only one entry per person! ^_^ the only way to have another entry is if it's in the other category! thanks for asking!
Um.. can a person submit more than 1 entry? Like 1-3 entries?
yes love is part of life, anyone else have any questions?
if it is the theme of life, is love part of life?
@tobiast88: maybe it's just a habit I picked up from rap music, but I've always recommended the use of punchlines....or more accurately wit in any form of poetry that is worked with. It's not absolutely required and most poems do just fine without it, but from my perspective throwing in that wit can add a brutally strong punch to what you write. from what i've seen, if used correctly and relevantly, wit can attract a person's attention like magnets to steel.
but yea, that's my two cents. as for the topic matter, I'm a rather open-minded dude so it doesn't matter to me. what you write is your freedom to decide.
as for me, I've been away developing my lyrical style. but for now, here's an incomplete song that I have going. only about 14 lines so far, the finished work should be a good 60 or so hopefully.
Tools Of The Trade
Silent Knight, there's a man beyond the name
My pen's a weapon sharper than any blade
Limited only by my brain and its power to create
Mold, manipulate and shape what I say
Verbal sage on the mic speaking raps
My thoughts expand underneath this thinking cap
The pad is a mirror that reflects the inner me lyrically
I speak in metaphors and similes, imagery is the air I breathe
The melody conducts my thoughts like a symphony
My lyrics weave in and out like tapestry to fit the beat
Vividly describing what I see
Depicting the joys and hardships of this life
My words paint pictures like an artist when I rhyme
My creative spark can illuminate the darkness of the night
i joined the group ok because i love to write poetry thats my whole life~! and i need a group like this~!
Okay... Deep breath.
I'm posting a very personal poem about a guy in my class, who I have a crush on; and I'm a guy too, and he has a girlfriend. Hence my poem. If you're against homosexuality, don't read, and don't flame me coz I love this guy and it's not going to change any time soon.
So here goes.
To Vincent
That day you came to class a minute late
You tamed the teacherwith embarrassed charm
The waters rushed and never will abate
Those eyes full of cinnamon warmth
Why must I watch you, wistful, from afar?
Admire Apollo and receive no light?
Why must I fight you and myself, why war
When love's a feeling that's right?
And how I wish that we could be alone!
I wish the shirt and hanging jeans would fall
Revealing muscles tight - and how I'd moan
As kisses would pin me against the hard wall!
You'd take me in your strong, protective arms
Against the curving ridges of your chest
The rasp of two-day stubble and your warmth
The scent of your body as we'd go to rest
A whispered word into a curl of ear
The taste of lips, a salty kiss, a sun
That's marred by mists of burning lust, that sears
Carnal chimera, two bodies as one
I wish, I wish, I hope, I dream... In vain
But still I do, for you are gravity
That pulls me closer to - perhaps more pain
Or maybe your unending beauty
I got lazy so I stuck with one pattern before I found a new one
Been awhile since you heard from me, well, here's a more recent poem by me.
Comment here: http://forum.minitokyo.net/thread/46773/poem-two-songs-my-heart/
-------------------------
The Two Songs of My Heart
Two songs beat at my heart,
One light,
One dark.
The conflicting natures,
The conspiring feelings,
Hate, deceit.
Love, honesty.
The two hearts,
that beat away,
to be seen and heard,
destroying at each other,
until one remains.
This battle,
Destroying that,
Which makes me human,
I can feel,
The warmth leaving,
My limbs,
Soon to leave my heart.
No matter which wins,
I lose.
No matter which side I want,
I can never be certain.
A single moment,
To be me,
Then change to a me,
That isn't me.
Perhaps,
There are two minds,
Two hearts,
That inhabit this one shell,
While I am caught,
In a war of attrition,
Between,
.
.
.
The two songs of my heart.
*sing-songy voice* Commentary time again! I'm soooo sorry it took me so long to get all this done! I feel bad; I really should've gotten this stuff up sooner...bad me, bad me! I mean, how sad is it that I'm just getting in the commenting on poems that were posted up to 18 weeks back? I'm sorry to all the authors...senior year is so hard! I didn't ever expect that school'd keep me this behind in all my other stuff, too...anyway, enough of my pointless babbling, and on to the commentary! ^_^
Warning: what I did with these poems is print them off and go through and make whatever random notes, so the commentary itself may not always fit smoothly...sorry ^_^;
>> Kowalsky - Roots or the lightseeker was an interesting piece...a simplistic style, vague details, but still served to make a point. And I loved the phrase "memory of a shadow"...just something about it that I really loved ^_^
>> TomoyoNoBaka - I wanted to say that it's not necessarily a good idea to completely capitalize a title; it almost takes something away from the piece...but that might be just my opinion. Was Lucretia written as a sort of spin off from Shakespeare's The Rape of Lucrece, or another earlier version of the story? I know the last line ("Be still...you are dead") is a direct quote - hence the quotation marks - and it sounds like it was written about the same story, from her point of view. Not sure what else to say...
>> Moati-san - I'm going to mention your two poems, but since neither has a title, I'll cut it down to the first few words when I mention it. First of all, in "that face" I thin kyou meant to say "Eden," not edon, because Eden is the paradise. You address each aspect that was mentioned in the first line, but the order changes; you might want to align them in the future to add a bit more structure to the poem. The line "i told my heart long ago not to fall in love again, but it has not listened" shares the idea of a once-broken heart loving again, unsure about actually taking the chance but then being drawn into it without a choice. "You'll curse the day" made a few different interesting points. "at least i'll know the truth" and "i haven't the strength to turn away" are probably two line that help the reader connect with you because people have often felt that way.
>> beethoven - Good Bye to All Your evils had a major tone shift in it, going from darker to lighter advice; you managed it, but it was a little harder to follow. I agree with the last line, though: "live your life with all the love you can muster." Sound advice, I think; if a person lives life without love, then it's more of an empty existence than really living.
>> tobiast88 - I loved the repetition of dawn that you used in Childhood, and the steady rhyming scheme was a good touch. In the second chorus-like part, the personalization of "my dawn" instead of "the dawn" helps draw more feeling and a connection to the reader. I also liked the idea of how the truth may hurt, but it's still what's real ("when that life cuts"). In your second to last stanza, "The circle breaks...what I should do," I like the way you address the first stanza ("I don't know what I should do"). Overall, as you can guess, I liked it. You chose individual words very well as each fit and helped portray the tone of the poem, and establish a connection with the reader. When I read through Garden, I think of the world itself; I'm not sure if it's what you intended, but that's the mental picture I got. The repetition in the beginning and endings of the stanzas was a nice touch.
>> Daikuro - I wasn't sure what to think when I first read through your untitled poem (except that I love poems that are dedicated to certain people); I don't know what to call it, but I'll go ahead and use Little Angel as the title, 'cause I don't want to have to type out the whole first line like you normally would for an untitled poem. I must say that I really loved the lines "Dreams have wings / Hopes can soar"; artistically worded, in my opinion. And then the analogy of what happens to those dreams when one matures (the laws of gravity part) was an interesting analogy. Instead of saying they wasted away or something like that, they were pulled down...I like it. Another line I liked a lot was "Without a dream, / Without my wings"; I'm not sure why I liked them so much, but there was just something about them that struck me...not sure how to explain. Your ending line had a sweet sense of sadness that seems to link man and the angel, nicely done.
>> Alistair - The flowin' wind was very...gentle, I suppose is one way to say it. Softer image and message, kind of relaxing in and of itself. There were two line parts that caught my attention: "Stir in the wind, / Of old dreams" and the ending, "A painted fantasy..." As I said, reading through this made me relax a bit, and there's almost a sense of tranquility there. One thing I would say is that you don't need some kind of punctuation at the end of every line, because commas sometimes interrupt the flow of the poem; caesuras are often naturally recognized, which gets rid of that need. About the last line...I have this thing about last lines: a sense of finality is best, but if a wandering line can be written just right, then it works. Your "A painted fantasy..." was a mix between these two elements; wandering because it sort of leaves you imagination to go on, and final because it closes it off gently.
>> ColdFire01 - I really liked the structure of Without you. It appears almost in a song format, the way that some lines repeat in a chorus-like style. And the contrasts within the poem that help reveal the true feeling are nicely done. One example are the lines "How it still hurts / To be left behind" in the second stanza; not only do they contradict the image painted by the first stanza, but I think it's something that everyone can relate to in one way or another. And the last stanza was a beautiful contrast! I thought it was as though someone's trying to convince themselves that everything's okay before breaking down and telling the truth. Disillusion is a powerful topic in poetry, and I think Without you is a good example of that.
>> Shoku - In all four of your poems (You Took My Life Away, Thinking of You, Step By Step, and Holding On), you establish a distinctive style, a consistent structure or frame (your Winter Thoughts entry was the same way). The prominent first line, follow-up stanzas, differeing last stanzas, and simplistic last lines...I don't know many others that follow that pattern so faithfully. That's not a bad thing at all, because each person has their own preferences in how to write, but you might want to consider varying it up a little sometimes. Each poem seemed purposeful in its message, written for a particular reason or event. Other than that, I'm not sure what to say...so I guess I'll leave it at that.
I'd like to take this opportunity to say three things: one, try to give your poems a title! It's a lot easier to reference when there's a definite name; with a lot of published untitled poetry (like Emily Dickinson's works) the first line becomes the title. So feel free to do that, or pick out a repetitive or important phrase within the poem...it just makes it easier to comment on.
Two, I know it's been said before but I'm saying it again: reviewing or commenting on other's pieces is a good thing to do! Even if it's just to let them know what you liked or didn't like...it always helps to know what you're doing that's good and what needs some work still. If we don't help each other, how are we supposed to grow as poets? If you feel silly or don't know what to say...that's okay! Heck, I'm no professional or anything, and there are plenty of people in this group that write a whole lot better than I do, but I still comment. So please...comment on other people's stuff!
Okay, lecture fragment is over; the third thing I wanted to mention is that inochikyo and I are planning another contest, so be sure to give us your ideas in the page's guestbook or in a PM (I'm on more frequently than she is, but you can send it to either of us).
I just wrote this today. Its been a while since I've done anything new. I hope you all like it.
~Untitled~
She watches,
As her old friends walk by
In silence
Without giving her
A second thought.
She waves,
But they don't see her.
She speaks a greeting,
But they don't hear her.
They pass her by
Once more.
At home,
She has no messages,
Or emails,
From people
Wanting to say hello,
Or invite her
For a movie,
Or just to hang out,
Because that's what friends do.
No one comes to her door
For a greeting,
Or a quick chat,
Or to stop in for tea.
She doesn't speak,
For she has no one
To speak to.
She makes her dinner
For one,
And eats in silence,
While she watches a movie
She's already seen
A hundred times.
She showers,
And climbs into her empty bed,
And dreams of a life
Where she's wanted.
Just a poem i wrote in my notebook:
A pray from the cold air that surrounds me
as stiff as a lonely flower can be
alone, abandoned with scars covering its roots
mourning, griefing its youth.
chanting its story of the life it had to bear
as you come to understand - what others didn't care
composing between the lines of fate
the gentle melody of death
every cascading night
when the moon shines it's bright light
welcomes the wondering souls
cliches won't defend
the wrong beauty humans demand
selfish, shallow, worthless.
"with tenderness i seek your forgiveness"
french u say?That's interesting
merged: 03-24-2006 ~ 08:36am
i hope it is ok that i try 2 join k?
Roots or the lightseeker
Who are you ?
What do you seek ?
Where do you come from and who are your fathers ?
I am but the memory of a shadow, who once was
My parents are part of Nature and my ancestors the origine of Love
I am but a truthseeker in a humanity, perverted against its own will
I am no better, I am not worthier than my peers, but I have the will to
find the Light
Sooo...
This is not mine. It was written by a person namely IEZA IXORA. Just want to share this with all of you.
What I love About You...
The sparkle in your eye
The warmth of your skin
Your breath on my neck
That quivers within
The touch of your hand
The smell of your hair
The kindness in your smile
That strength in your stare
The sound of your voice
Compassion in your embrace
The serenity in your stride
The power in your face
The calming of your presence
The beating of your heart
The promise of tomorrow
That we may never be part
The beauty of your kiss
and that magic in your touch
It isfor all these reasons and more
Why I love you so much
Hello ok i was just wondering if there is something in a language that rhymes with the english doorknob that means something that isn't food
If any one can help i thank you
wow, thats something tomoyonobaka! ^^
Hi i am new,
i'm writting songs for about 5 years now, but time doesn't metter. i have a Power Metal Band and we compose the songs as well.
here's one it's called LUCRETIA.
Inside your kingdom walls
at the dark ally near the blacksmiths' bin
moonlights' single glint above, tolls
reflection of a deadly sin
A throne won't bring you my love
nor my virginity you lust for
the lady screams on side walk curve
ancient pride of kings dreadful lore
How insufferable curt yard looks
at my blooded dress
none will know the terrible cause
of my mourning fuss
dear father, dear husband hear my final cry
night of wolves a curse on me
sun rays won't shine my shadowed sky
none can save me, none can heal my wounded gist
please bound yourself in oath, to kill Rome's sinner beast
Shameful deed and stubborn fact
a man so brutal and lewd
desecrated my body with your wrath
doomed i to be un sewed
"Be still, Lucretia! I am Sextus Tarquinius.My sword is in my hand.Utter a sound, and you are dead!"